Shelia Walsh in her book “Five Minutes with Jesus”, posed a question. “Will you love a God who’s not going to get you out of that prison?” She was referring to when John the Baptist was locked up in Herod’s dungeon and he sent his followers to ask Jesus, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?” (Luke 7:19 ESV) But personally, I hear this as God asking, “Will you love me even if I don’t rescue you?”
About this time of year, seven years ago, I found out that my first husband, David, had cancer. I’m sure they told us from the start that it was terminal, but we refused to hear that part. I think they said it was not curable, but it was treatable. Throughout his ten month struggle, I prayed. I prayed like I’d never prayed before. Mightier and fiercer than a warrior in battle. My every living breath was a prayer to heal David. I think I even tried to bargain at some point…just 10 years…ok how about 5 years…My prayers were not answered. David passed away a few weeks before Christmas that year.
So, I hear God asking, “Will you love me even when I didn’t save David?” The simple answer is “yes”. But, is it really? Can I look back over the last seven years and say that I lived and practiced loving God even though I lost him? In all honesty, the answer is “no”. I see a lot of fear, I see anger, I see flagrant disobedience. I see someone whose entire soul wretched every time anyone said, “I’ll pray for you”, like a knee jerk reaction of “like that’ll help”. I reviled “Sunday School” answers from “fluffy” Christians that seemed to skim the surface of pain without truly recognizing other’s soul wrenching grief. And, I’m sad to say, I am probably the guiltiest offender. It’s true what they say about what you hate most in others is probably something you dislike about yourself. I was tied up in my own little box of pain, instead of looking around, reaching out and helping others in pain and grief. Let’s face it, we all live in our own bubbles, and we all have pain. There are no Cinderella fairy tales in real life. And somewhere along the way…I got lost for a while.
I have heard the old saying my whole life, “People that live in glass houses should not throw rocks”. And I’m not a rock thrower (at least not anymore). I will tell you right up front though, that everything I have learned in life has come from doing it wrong the first time…and sometimes the second, third and fourth time too. So, I have equally believed in the past, that those that live in fragile glass houses(like me) shouldn’t put them out there for people to throw rocks at. I am a private person…sometimes called a hermit…I prefer homebody, and the idea of putting my imperfect, often flawed ideology out there for others to see is frankly terrifying. But, a few weeks ago, I read a quote by a Spanish philosopher named Baltasar Gracian that said, “Without Courage, Wisdom bears no fruit”. I take that to mean what use is it to have gone through so much if you don’t use that experience to help others.
I want my actions…thoughts…prayers…and especially words to reflect the truth that I love God even when the worst happens. I need to practice grace, gratitude and “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding” daily…hourly…in every moment. I also want those of you that grieve to know that it is okay to feel hollow, lost, angry, and fearful. Those are just parts of the process of grief. The trick is…don’t get stuck there. God is a very big God….He can take even your hardest questions and your worst anger. But, when you’ve spent your emotional storm…stay there….at His feet…and listen. When you’ve laid your brokenness bare before Him, His gentle hands will cover your wounds and begin the healing. He will always be there…waiting for you to come back and surrender your little yellow steering wheel of life.
So, this is my journey. A journey to re-discover walking in faith, living with hope, speaking with love, acting with compassion and…finding joy.