It is December 11th. The sixth anniversary of David’s death. As I sit here at his grave with my feet sprawled out across the grass, I feel the warmth of the sun on my back, I hear the chirp of a nearby cricket, I smell the earthy scent of the winter grass…and I grieve for the short 45 years he had on this earth. If you knew you had such a short time to walk this earth…what would you do? How would you spend your money? More importantly, what would you spend your time on? David is not physically here in this world anymore. I cannot see him, hear him, touch him…but he is here in many other ways. I hear him in Justin’s laughter, I see him in the adventure of nature that he loved so much. He lives on in the hearts and memories of the people’s lives that he touched.
I have struggled with “What now?” and I have really struggled with “Why?” Maybe the answers to those questions are unknowable. The kind of questions that get answered in the next world. I have been through all the phases of grief from sadness, to lethargy, to just keeping busy all the time energizer bunny style, to anger…even anger at God. Some of those stages I have visited over and over. I was reading Tim J. Lawrence’s blog “The Adversity Within” this week and he made a comment about “the terror that loss births within us”. What an apt phrase. There is a fear that grips your very soul at the thought of loss, especially when you have walked that road before. You have lived that nightmare and have no illusions about fairytale endings. In this world, some things do not work out all right in the end. But I refuse to live in fear. Fear is a prison that you build for yourself…only you hold the key….it’s right there in your pocket. Instead I choose to live in grace and gratitude. They are the secrets to life. Grace for those around you that have hurt you or disappointed you, but mostly grace for yourself. It is as important to sustaining life as water, food and breath. And, gratitude for all the blessings in life. Even on the worst day…gratitude is possible…not easy…but possible. The morning David died, I forced myself to make a list of things I was grateful for. There was a really really long empty space before I could find even one. “I am grateful…..he is not suffering anymore” (as tears streamed down my face). Another really long empty pause (followed by a lot of tissue and nose blowing). “I am grateful for….Justin”. Pause. “I am grateful for…. all my family is here and I am not alone”. As the list progressed, it got easier…not easy by any stretch of the imagination…not even if you’re Walt Disney….just easier. Those lists helped me as I trudged through the days…weeks…months…years of endless grief. Those lists saved my sanity through my anger and uncertainty. They reminded and remind me that blessings surround us every day if we look for them. The sunshine in winter, the smell of the coffee each morning, the smile of a friend at work. It is a choice you make each day to focus on the bad things in this world or to focus on the blessings. It might sound like a childish mind game, but it is so much more. It is a fight for survival in the deepest pits of despair. Living life consciously, gracefully, and gratefully in the present. Choosing joy.
So, I will just keep making my lists and reminding myself that life really isn’t about me….it is about all those around me and how I can choose to touch their lives. Just like David did. It is his legacy. Life is short. Make every moment matter. Here…Now…Right where you are.